I think of nothing.

When I’m in the quiet
and my thoughts
are left alone
to think
that’s when
the thought of death
creeps in
and the idea of nothing
terrifies me
confuses me.

I think of nothing
closing my eyes
and even then I can see
images my brain projects
memories I’ve remembered
ideas I create
pictures that play
I can’t understand nothing.

What is nothing?

If I’m dead
and my brain can no loner think
it doesn’t matter
yet the thought terrifies me
is it my arrogance
is it survival
that makes it difficult to perceive
that in the universe I am nothing
and my death
will just be
another death
and my brain
will no longer play
will no longer think
and this me
will no longer be.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

You live to die.

You live to die.
You start life
without account
for your thoughts
do we think as infants?
Even if we had
I don’t remember now
so does it even matter?
We act on instinct
and our bodies grow
without a thought
deciding if it should
it just does.
Then we begin to remember
fragments of events
feelings we’ve had
even if we can’t remember the words
or the faces they came from
we remember the feelings
that we felt.
Time happens
and our bodies they age
in the beginning growth goes upward
and after time
it begins to rewind
only we don’t become younger
we age
our minds they rewind
frozen in decades
new events don’t register
and we replay the past
because in the near future
our minds know
we’re closer to hitting death.
Parts of my mind
repeats the thoughts
why even try
why even work hard
why put in so much
when you know
your only living to die?
My reply
is that my life
stopped being only mine
the moment
another life entered
and as much
as I try
and I fail
and I try
and I do
and I work
and it feels a waste
because I always feel as if
nothing is enough
and everything I write is trash
and everything I paint
is slop
and everything I create
isn’t worth
in this place of today
but I try
and I try harder
because if I don’t
my children will only see failure
and failure
only happens
when you’re finished.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Choke on the words.

I am not blessed
and your words are only that
I smile at it
I listen
without response.

I’m atheist
for that I must
choke on the words
because religion
is everywhere
on the counters
as I wash my hands
pamphlets buried
in piles of clothes
I must fold
in our laws
in our regulations.

I must choke on it.

Your inspiration I find lacking
in comfort
in knowledge
in safety.

Your books are blurring lines
seeping into our laws again
I will not live like this
I will not live governed
by an afterlife
that doesn’t exist.

If I’m wrong?
I will not change in death
because I will not be ruled
by laws that are biased
because life itself is not
and an eternal life
is worthless
if it is ruled
by any singular creation.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Painting for fun.

I’ve been practicing painting recently. By practicing I mean painting with two young kids. One that uses paper and the other that just paints all over herself. Which isn’t always the most relaxing way to paint. Although in life you just use the time you have as it is. Otherwise you’ll never get anything done.

When I was a kid my father went through a sponge paint on the ceilings phase and every ceiling in my childhood home was covered in sponge paint. As a kid I would look up at all the faces staring down on me in the paint.

For the above two paintings I went with a sort of sponge paint concept. Then I added eyes to what fit.

Using green, red, brown, and black.
Using blue, red, and black.

For me painting isn’t something I try to take seriously. It’s not about a skill to firmly develop. Rather it’s about relaxing my mind and just sort of letting my hands scatter the paint about. Then at the end allowing my mind to make sense of it. I find it amazing when artists can paint a realistic face. Then the lazy part of me is always like “isn’t that what we have cameras for?” In the time before painting was necessary to capture a moment now I just use it as away to release stress.

(I am a participant in the Amazon Associates Program and any qualifying purchases made through affiliate links I may earn a commission on at no additional cost to you.)
The above kits are what I use to paint with my kids.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Scribbles upon a page.

We create guidelines
as if life fits
although in actuality
life is like a toddlers art work
scribbles upon a page
in which they call a cat
and you yourself
smile politely
at the perfectly drawn cat
that to you is nothing but lines
scribbled upon a once blank page
life is like that
because what makes sense to one person
may make no sense at all to you
and we’re left nodding politely to each other
till we reach the stage of argument
in which reason has left us
and we’re screaming
that’s not a fucking cat
that is just marker on paper.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina.

Happiness is shared?

Thought brings out righteousness
and beliefs make people believe
they’re universal
and their happiness is shared
although your desires
and mine differ
and what provokes happiness in you
frustrates me.

A higher power
raises more questions in me
without answers
for you, you find safety
and solace in letting GOD guide you
for me I guide myself
and respect in the human condition
trying to pursue the common good
and my own happiness
it’s a balance
which brings about stress.

Bowing to another
isn’t in me
nor would I want my feet
bathed in their saliva
I find respect in a partner
them to me and me to them
if another believes in bowing
and submissive thoughts
that is their thought
and their choice
and I will not try to pursue them
I will live as me
and if they scream differently
I’ll tell them my life is mine
and theirs is theirs.

Keep your scripture
keep your rules
and your conflictive morals
live them
be them
speak them
but I must live as me
and you as you
and that’s where the arrogance steps in
because your beliefs
are seeping within our justice systems
and it’s time
for us to clean up the spills
properly dispensing your poisons
back into your veins
where they belong.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Painting.

For my birthday my daughters bought me a paint kit. Which was as much for them as for me. My husband and I are working on teaching them that a gift is for the person you buy it for not yourself. My youngest is still trying to understand the concept. Anyways I’ve been attempting to paint mostly with two kids. Which it gets quite messy and my painting skill is definitely at beginner level.

I started off drawing shapes to get my youngest daughter to name them off for me. In which she started smearing paint all over the paper and I just went with it.

I flipped it and started adding eyes.

Anyone else just sort of start painting and drawing without a thought in mind? For me when it comes to drawing/painting I use it as a way to not overthink. Of course there are times I try to draw specific things although I get frustrated and just need to be free and turn to just making something. Anything. Even if it’s not a great piece of art. Honestly though what is great art?

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

(I am a participant in the Amazon Associates Program and any qualifying purchases made through affiliate links I may earn a commission on at no additional cost to you.)
The paint set above is the one I got for my Birthday present.

Hands above a fire.

I feel so damn frustrated
and you don’t want to hear it
you don’t want to feel it
you don’t want to be in it
because we can’t stop it
we can’t help it
we can’t control it
only us
and soon who knows
where this place is headed
will we own ourselves?
Will the debt rip us from our zone
demolishing our home
and we’d be nothing more
than bodies on the street
hands above a fire
trying to find warmth?
There was safety in a moment
bodies lived as they wanted
and seconds later
choices have become
that of law
and it’s confusion.
what does that mean
what choices do our children have
can they choose love for themselves
can they seek protection when needed
are we all now property of the law?

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Like a lifeless flake.

Somedays I’m so fucking angry
about what I can’t stop
what I can’t help
what I can’t control
somedays I’m yelling
trying to find control
and there isn’t any
I feel like a lifeless flake
on a cold Winter Day
hitting the mounds
and mixing with the rest
waiting on the sun
waiting for the moment to melt
evaporate
and to start again.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Personal choices are exactly that.

I struggle with authority
and social norms.
I cannot smile
when I don’t want
and I find myself choking
on the words
and the frustration
that lives within me.
I find myself hiding it
because speaking freely
is something often celebrated
unless you feel differently
and then you stay quiet.
I find myself
pondering my beliefs
seeing the holes within them
I am pro-choice
although I value life
I just see the blurred lines
and I know the complications it brings
although I never have myself
I’m not against abortion.
In theory I have
if you allow
the restrictive to construct
your views
when it comes to contraceptives.
I’m anti guns
because humans and power
it’s a dangerous thing
a distance
standing between you and a target
I don’t agree.
I have never shot a gun
and have no intent to do so.
I am not against gay marriage
although I don’t celebrate it
because I don’t celebrate
heterosexuality either.
I suppose you could say
I’m for all marriage
against all huge weddings.
I don’t care for extravagant parties
and unwarranted debt
it’s pointless.
I’m married
although we aren’t owned by each other.
I have no tether upon my finger
because my personal
is for me
and trust is important.
I do not partake in an open relationship
it’s closed
me and him
but what others do
that is their choice.
Swingers shall swing
and it harms not me.
I believe
personal choices
are exactly that
and not for me
to determine for anyone but me.
I wonder why
it’s difficult for you
to make the decisions
only for you
and not for them?
Why is it so hard
to keep your choices
from dictating theirs?


Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina