I’m prone to bouts of anger, short tempered, the overly sensitive type. Writing is a way to make sense of it all. While art is a way in which I can escape the thoughts that haunt me shutting off conscious thought and allowing my hands to guide me.
When I’m in the quiet and my thoughts are left alone to think that’s when the thought of death creeps in and the idea of nothing terrifies me confuses me.
I think of nothing closing my eyes and even then I can see images my brain projects memories I’ve remembered ideas I create pictures that play I can’t understand nothing.
What is nothing?
If I’m dead and my brain can no loner think it doesn’t matter yet the thought terrifies me is it my arrogance is it survival that makes it difficult to perceive that in the universe I am nothing and my death will just be another death and my brain will no longer play will no longer think and this me will no longer be.
You live to die. You start life without account for your thoughts do we think as infants? Even if we had I don’t remember now so does it even matter? We act on instinct and our bodies grow without a thought deciding if it should it just does. Then we begin to remember fragments of events feelings we’ve had even if we can’t remember the words or the faces they came from we remember the feelings that we felt. Time happens and our bodies they age in the beginning growth goes upward and after time it begins to rewind only we don’t become younger we age our minds they rewind frozen in decades new events don’t register and we replay the past because in the near future our minds know we’re closer to hitting death. Parts of my mind repeats the thoughts why even try why even work hard why put in so much when you know your only living to die? My reply is that my life stopped being only mine the moment another life entered and as much as I try and I fail and I try and I do and I work and it feels a waste because I always feel as if nothing is enough and everything I write is trash and everything I paint is slop and everything I create isn’t worth in this place of today but I try and I try harder because if I don’t my children will only see failure and failure only happens when you’re finished.
I’ve been practicing painting recently. By practicing I mean painting with two young kids. One that uses paper and the other that just paints all over herself. Which isn’t always the most relaxing way to paint. Although in life you just use the time you have as it is. Otherwise you’ll never get anything done.
When I was a kid my father went through a sponge paint on the ceilings phase and every ceiling in my childhood home was covered in sponge paint. As a kid I would look up at all the faces staring down on me in the paint.
For the above two paintings I went with a sort of sponge paint concept. Then I added eyes to what fit.
For me painting isn’t something I try to take seriously. It’s not about a skill to firmly develop. Rather it’s about relaxing my mind and just sort of letting my hands scatter the paint about. Then at the end allowing my mind to make sense of it. I find it amazing when artists can paint a realistic face. Then the lazy part of me is always like “isn’t that what we have cameras for?” In the time before painting was necessary to capture a moment now I just use it as away to release stress.
(I am a participant in the Amazon Associates Program and any qualifying purchases made through affiliate links I may earn a commission on at no additional cost to you.) The above kits are what I use to paint with my kids.
We create guidelines as if life fits although in actuality life is like a toddlers art work scribbles upon a page in which they call a cat and you yourself smile politely at the perfectly drawn cat that to you is nothing but lines scribbled upon a once blank page life is like that because what makes sense to one person may make no sense at all to you and we’re left nodding politely to each other till we reach the stage of argument in which reason has left us and we’re screaming that’s not a fucking cat that is just marker on paper.
Thought brings out righteousness and beliefs make people believe they’re universal and their happiness is shared although your desires and mine differ and what provokes happiness in you frustrates me.
A higher power raises more questions in me without answers for you, you find safety and solace in letting GOD guide you for me I guide myself and respect in the human condition trying to pursue the common good and my own happiness it’s a balance which brings about stress.
Bowing to another isn’t in me nor would I want my feet bathed in their saliva I find respect in a partner them to me and me to them if another believes in bowing and submissive thoughts that is their thought and their choice and I will not try to pursue them I will live as me and if they scream differently I’ll tell them my life is mine and theirs is theirs.
Keep your scripture keep your rules and your conflictive morals live them be them speak them but I must live as me and you as you and that’s where the arrogance steps in because your beliefs are seeping within our justice systems and it’s time for us to clean up the spills properly dispensing your poisons back into your veins where they belong.
For my birthday my daughters bought me a paint kit. Which was as much for them as for me. My husband and I are working on teaching them that a gift is for the person you buy it for not yourself. My youngest is still trying to understand the concept. Anyways I’ve been attempting to paint mostly with two kids. Which it gets quite messy and my painting skill is definitely at beginner level.
I started off drawing shapes to get my youngest daughter to name them off for me. In which she started smearing paint all over the paper and I just went with it.
Anyone else just sort of start painting and drawing without a thought in mind? For me when it comes to drawing/painting I use it as a way to not overthink. Of course there are times I try to draw specific things although I get frustrated and just need to be free and turn to just making something. Anything. Even if it’s not a great piece of art. Honestly though what is great art?
Thanks for reading. -Temperamentally Tina
(I am a participant in the Amazon Associates Program and any qualifying purchases made through affiliate links I may earn a commission on at no additional cost to you.) The paint set above is the one I got for my Birthday present.
I feel so damn frustrated and you don’t want to hear it you don’t want to feel it you don’t want to be in it because we can’t stop it we can’t help it we can’t control it only us and soon who knows where this place is headed will we own ourselves? Will the debt rip us from our zone demolishing our home and we’d be nothing more than bodies on the street hands above a fire trying to find warmth? There was safety in a moment bodies lived as they wanted and seconds later choices have become that of law and it’s confusion. what does that mean what choices do our children have can they choose love for themselves can they seek protection when needed are we all now property of the law?
Somedays I’m so fucking angry about what I can’t stop what I can’t help what I can’t control somedays I’m yelling trying to find control and there isn’t any I feel like a lifeless flake on a cold Winter Day hitting the mounds and mixing with the rest waiting on the sun waiting for the moment to melt evaporate and to start again.
I struggle with authority and social norms. I cannot smile when I don’t want and I find myself choking on the words and the frustration that lives within me. I find myself hiding it because speaking freely is something often celebrated unless you feel differently and then you stay quiet. I find myself pondering my beliefs seeing the holes within them I am pro-choice although I value life I just see the blurred lines and I know the complications it brings although I never have myself I’m not against abortion. In theory I have if you allow the restrictive to construct your views when it comes to contraceptives. I’m anti guns because humans and power it’s a dangerous thing a distance standing between you and a target I don’t agree. I have never shot a gun and have no intent to do so. I am not against gay marriage although I don’t celebrate it because I don’t celebrate heterosexuality either. I suppose you could say I’m for all marriage against all huge weddings. I don’t care for extravagant parties and unwarranted debt it’s pointless. I’m married although we aren’t owned by each other. I have no tether upon my finger because my personal is for me and trust is important. I do not partake in an open relationship it’s closed me and him but what others do that is their choice. Swingers shall swing and it harms not me. I believe personal choices are exactly that and not for me to determine for anyone but me. I wonder why it’s difficult for you to make the decisions only for you and not for them? Why is it so hard to keep your choices from dictating theirs?