You’re struggling.

You’re thinking
over worked
over tired
you can’t sleep
because you’re thinking.
Did you speak the right words?
Did you write down the right notes?
A few pieces lost
and you’re struggling
because you’ve been taught perfection
by an instructor that isn’t
nor are you
and you’re fighting.
You’re screaming internally
because these human traits
are killing you
this need to listen
but also be heard
this frustration
this correctness
this confusion over right and wrong.
This complicated place
created by humans
you’re struggling here
fighting it because you have to
you were born human
so you’re all of them right?
All the good and the bad
because individualism is lost here
even if it’s proclaimed as strength
it isn’t valued.
You’re struggling to understand
told to work harder
paid less
and you try
you do it
and you’re angered
debted to the scholars
ten years and it’ll dissipate.
You’re still struggling
to determine
is this right
is that wrong
is anyone good
if someone is crying somewhere?
Is anyone evil
if someone is cheering somewhere?
Are we judging our entire lives
by opinion?

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

I’m going to die either way.

We always want to be
the very best
the very best wonderful
and I am not
and I don’t need to ne
I just need to breathe
even if my lungs aren’t as strong
and my heart overbeats
a little to fast
I am just living
even if it’s not at your best
and my words aren’t
always perfectly spoke
and my thoughts aren’t always articulate
like yours
that’s ok with me
if I’m not the most talented
the most wanted
the most liked
of course don’t we all want to be
why do we write
why do we create
for ourselves
for others
I do it for me
to break up the thoughts
that are long
and let them out
and yea of course
I’d like to be liked
I’d like to sell the most books
and be amongst the best
truthfully though
I’m ok with just doing it
because no matter what
I’m going to die
and rather than worry about
being the most perfect
I’d rather just enjoy it now
because if I’m the best
or if I’m the worst
I’m going to die either way.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

I might feel differently.

I’m not going to be the same tomorrow
as I am today.
I might feel differently
about what provokes laughter in me
and I might cry
over something that once
brought happiness
because each day
is different
and our feelings they change
they adapt.
I might find words
I’ve used are insensitive
and at other times
I may not even care if they are
because I don’t always
want to think about politeness
and other times
I’m overwhelmed
and hating myself
at the thought of being offensive.
I might scream
and lose my temper
and later realize my own mistake
and maybe today
I won’t do right
and tomorrow
I might want to fix it
and maybe I won’t care.
Each day I feel differently
because we can
we can have one belief
and switch it
as humans with thought
we are allowed to do that
to be one person today
and another person tomorrow.
I will wear my face
with each expression
because I can
although the reasons will change
what makes me smile now
may make me cry later
and what sends me in a burst of laughter
may send me in angst against myself
overwhelmed by it all
and that is ok.

Thanks for reading
Temperamentally Tina

I think of nothing.

When I’m in the quiet
and my thoughts
are left alone
to think
that’s when
the thought of death
creeps in
and the idea of nothing
terrifies me
confuses me.

I think of nothing
closing my eyes
and even then I can see
images my brain projects
memories I’ve remembered
ideas I create
pictures that play
I can’t understand nothing.

What is nothing?

If I’m dead
and my brain can no loner think
it doesn’t matter
yet the thought terrifies me
is it my arrogance
is it survival
that makes it difficult to perceive
that in the universe I am nothing
and my death
will just be
another death
and my brain
will no longer play
will no longer think
and this me
will no longer be.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

You live to die.

You live to die.
You start life
without account
for your thoughts
do we think as infants?
Even if we had
I don’t remember now
so does it even matter?
We act on instinct
and our bodies grow
without a thought
deciding if it should
it just does.
Then we begin to remember
fragments of events
feelings we’ve had
even if we can’t remember the words
or the faces they came from
we remember the feelings
that we felt.
Time happens
and our bodies they age
in the beginning growth goes upward
and after time
it begins to rewind
only we don’t become younger
we age
our minds they rewind
frozen in decades
new events don’t register
and we replay the past
because in the near future
our minds know
we’re closer to hitting death.
Parts of my mind
repeats the thoughts
why even try
why even work hard
why put in so much
when you know
your only living to die?
My reply
is that my life
stopped being only mine
the moment
another life entered
and as much
as I try
and I fail
and I try
and I do
and I work
and it feels a waste
because I always feel as if
nothing is enough
and everything I write is trash
and everything I paint
is slop
and everything I create
isn’t worth
in this place of today
but I try
and I try harder
because if I don’t
my children will only see failure
and failure
only happens
when you’re finished.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Choke on the words.

I am not blessed
and your words are only that
I smile at it
I listen
without response.

I’m atheist
for that I must
choke on the words
because religion
is everywhere
on the counters
as I wash my hands
pamphlets buried
in piles of clothes
I must fold
in our laws
in our regulations.

I must choke on it.

Your inspiration I find lacking
in comfort
in knowledge
in safety.

Your books are blurring lines
seeping into our laws again
I will not live like this
I will not live governed
by an afterlife
that doesn’t exist.

If I’m wrong?
I will not change in death
because I will not be ruled
by laws that are biased
because life itself is not
and an eternal life
is worthless
if it is ruled
by any singular creation.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Painting for fun.

I’ve been practicing painting recently. By practicing I mean painting with two young kids. One that uses paper and the other that just paints all over herself. Which isn’t always the most relaxing way to paint. Although in life you just use the time you have as it is. Otherwise you’ll never get anything done.

When I was a kid my father went through a sponge paint on the ceilings phase and every ceiling in my childhood home was covered in sponge paint. As a kid I would look up at all the faces staring down on me in the paint.

For the above two paintings I went with a sort of sponge paint concept. Then I added eyes to what fit.

Using green, red, brown, and black.
Using blue, red, and black.

For me painting isn’t something I try to take seriously. It’s not about a skill to firmly develop. Rather it’s about relaxing my mind and just sort of letting my hands scatter the paint about. Then at the end allowing my mind to make sense of it. I find it amazing when artists can paint a realistic face. Then the lazy part of me is always like “isn’t that what we have cameras for?” In the time before painting was necessary to capture a moment now I just use it as away to release stress.

(I am a participant in the Amazon Associates Program and any qualifying purchases made through affiliate links I may earn a commission on at no additional cost to you.)
The above kits are what I use to paint with my kids.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina

Scribbles upon a page.

We create guidelines
as if life fits
although in actuality
life is like a toddlers art work
scribbles upon a page
in which they call a cat
and you yourself
smile politely
at the perfectly drawn cat
that to you is nothing but lines
scribbled upon a once blank page
life is like that
because what makes sense to one person
may make no sense at all to you
and we’re left nodding politely to each other
till we reach the stage of argument
in which reason has left us
and we’re screaming
that’s not a fucking cat
that is just marker on paper.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina.

Happiness is shared?

Thought brings out righteousness
and beliefs make people believe
they’re universal
and their happiness is shared
although your desires
and mine differ
and what provokes happiness in you
frustrates me.

A higher power
raises more questions in me
without answers
for you, you find safety
and solace in letting GOD guide you
for me I guide myself
and respect in the human condition
trying to pursue the common good
and my own happiness
it’s a balance
which brings about stress.

Bowing to another
isn’t in me
nor would I want my feet
bathed in their saliva
I find respect in a partner
them to me and me to them
if another believes in bowing
and submissive thoughts
that is their thought
and their choice
and I will not try to pursue them
I will live as me
and if they scream differently
I’ll tell them my life is mine
and theirs is theirs.

Keep your scripture
keep your rules
and your conflictive morals
live them
be them
speak them
but I must live as me
and you as you
and that’s where the arrogance steps in
because your beliefs
are seeping within our justice systems
and it’s time
for us to clean up the spills
properly dispensing your poisons
back into your veins
where they belong.

Thanks for reading.
-Temperamentally Tina