I’m prone to bouts of anger, short tempered, the overly sensitive type. Writing is a way to make sense of it all. While art is a way in which I can escape the thoughts that haunt me shutting off conscious thought and allowing my hands to guide me.
I struggle with authority and social norms. I cannot smile when I don’t want and I find myself choking on the words and the frustration that lives within me. I find myself hiding it because speaking freely is something often celebrated unless you feel differently and then you stay quiet. I find myself pondering my beliefs seeing the holes within them I am pro-choice although I value life I just see the blurred lines and I know the complications it brings although I never have myself I’m not against abortion. In theory I have if you allow the restrictive to construct your views when it comes to contraceptives. I’m anti guns because humans and power it’s a dangerous thing a distance standing between you and a target I don’t agree. I have never shot a gun and have no intent to do so. I am not against gay marriage although I don’t celebrate it because I don’t celebrate heterosexuality either. I suppose you could say I’m for all marriage against all huge weddings. I don’t care for extravagant parties and unwarranted debt it’s pointless. I’m married although we aren’t owned by each other. I have no tether upon my finger because my personal is for me and trust is important. I do not partake in an open relationship it’s closed me and him but what others do that is their choice. Swingers shall swing and it harms not me. I believe personal choices are exactly that and not for me to determine for anyone but me. I wonder why it’s difficult for you to make the decisions only for you and not for them? Why is it so hard to keep your choices from dictating theirs?
When I was young I wanted to save the world cure all the ills aid the homeless and dissolve the pain of others and now I’m different I see it’s more complicated rooted back to times I’ve never seen I’ve only read of.
There has been change in small doses only we at heart are always the same stepping upon the bodies to find our place of right and now at my age I’ve accepted there is no right life there is no perfect solution because someone will always hurt equality is a fruit swallowed and spit out sour to the tastebuds because it’s not enough not for the minds rotted with greed they always need to eat the most spoonful of others and I no longer dream of being the savior simply I live within the faith I won’t be just one more soul damning the human race to extinction.
This human thing it feels wrong it feels like every thought is in conflict with another and I’m hunching over.
The words claw in clutching on and this human thing is becoming unbearable will the words claw so deep the thoughts taring open my skin exposing bone releasing a river of blood?
Every thought conflicts this human thing it’s difficult further I hunch as I think I tell myself to stand straight realign my spine but I cannot till every human is fine which is an impossibility because all our thoughts all our wants all our needs conflict turning this human thing into a feeling of wrong.
You exist that’s great I do as well so does that person oh and that person over there and all the other animals.
We’re really just an animal breathing eating trying to make sense of a universe that’s vast and the never ending makes us sick with frustration with curiosity that’s never filled.
Killing each other for money for a system that’s not infinite materials that’ll break not soon enough to cleanse the Earth it just fills and fills more reseeding it’s filth filling us with microplastics our blood isn’t what it was we’re all looking for superiority and I believe none of us are wealth is only an accumulation of things that can crumble and cluster our Earth.
Everything is money that’s why it’s all so similar the sounds repeated the stories changed in small doses the books on the big screen it’s because money is the thing money is the price for our creativity for our growth for our knowledge for our cures for cancer the price is money and it’s slowed us stopped us crept within our minds clawing itself in till we gave in and we write and create the memes that get the most likes we just want to be in a larger home with a smaller heart and less creative time we just want to be the ones with the most money the creatives we are nothing it’s those with the minds of business that makes the most that chooses what goes chooses what is seen and what meets with the best and I’d rather be just not be that because I’m an arrogant mess and poor is what I am.
I’m not ashamed I’m not proud I just exist because I have because I did because I am and I don’t need everything to say I’m the best I’m perfect I don’t need to be it any of that and I wonder why do you?
A thought is only a piece another thought appears together they mingle intertwining to create more as the the afterthought feeds upon the current evolving the thoughts trying to climb out of their hole wet and filled of blood creeping to the surface thoughts they transform but there is a part that tampers the heart beating it does sending an electrical current that corrupts the brain to rethink to slip back to repeat the past to repeat the hate that doesn’t belong within it.
Feeling guilty that everything is neither right nor wrong because someone is hurting and someone is happy and there is guilt that lives within me larger it gains with a thought a thought, thought by me a thought, thought by you a thought, thought by them a thought, thought by they it is a thought and I get ruffled slipping through the cracks that are opening trying to hold on to the edge as the guilt it grows heavily I am my fingers give up falling I am as the guilt of right and the guilt of wrong it lives it breathes it multiplies and I cannot breath my airway restricts and my brain struggles to the tune of my heart am I right am I wrong am I one of the many burrowing us deeper can I be better what is better is anything better or is better just a thought an opinion if I think it it’s right to me and yet wrong to you I cannot stop this feeling so deep as I fall and I fall I struggle to regain calm although I’ve never felt it so if I reached it would I know if I am?
Alright, sure I’ll give you that. But what about the bodies already here? You know the kids already living? The adults that once were a cluster of cells and now they’re a full blown person losing their sanity, you’re telling them to have more babies?
Abortion is murder, they’re all murderers!Prochoice are all the same.
Yes we are, and so are you every time you fight for an unborn life your fighting for one more soon to be full grown person flustered on Earth standing with a rifle outside of a school outside of a market. Rather why not fight here on the grounds right now right here and say every life alive today outside the womb needs to be helped their minds saved. Why not focus on what’s already here try and stop the bloodshed outside of wombs you know the ones that can survive on the outside. Why fight for more when we’re already failing?
I can’t think of anything as correct and there are no words that are worth pain that are worth my heart stopping or a mouth from speaking no words worth quitting there are no words worth hitting you can speak you can think and when I get flustered it’s my minds inability to filter your lead written words there is no terms that are definite we speak of facts and I utter opinion it’s fucking opinion it all is it all has been we’re buzzing around with our asses out feeling the sting of each other and it’s like look listen it doesn’t matter I’ll take a breath you take a breath if I quit over words that’s on me if you quit that’s on you.