Binging on the shitty television show called life.

Recently life has felt like a shitty television show, all episodes released and I’m on a binge. First episode in it’s like this is really stupid, next thing I know I binged an entire season in a day, and it’s like what the hell just happened.

These characters are unrealistic. That shit doesn’t happen, the entire plot line is boring, a respiratory virus? People are accusing the CDC of a hoax? Every other television show or movie I’ve watched usually claims the CDC is withholding critical information, hmm this is different. This one is claiming the CDC is giving more information then needed to collapse the worlds economy.  That makes sense, not really to me though. Again I often don’t grasp things other people do I suppose.

Wait hold on people are hoarding toilet paper, I never thought there would be a time in which the luxury of wiping my ass wouldn’t be a possibility. Although no movie prepared me for this reality, however I often think people elsewhere in the world are probably siting back like you wipe your ass with paper and then flush that down the toilet? That’s some weird shit in itself, just squirt water it’s fairly simple and a cost sufficient solution.

A president suggesting the possibility of using toxic disinfectants as a possible cure to a respiratory illness. No wait that would never happen. No, disinfectant companies did not release statements informing the public under no circumstances  should disinfectants be injected, inhaled, or ingested. Everyone clearly knows what the word toxic means. Right?  If this was a television show I’d be like that’s unrealistic improbable, in this show called life anything is possible apparently.

Outside my home, feels a bizarre universe before this I was a slight hermit, forcing myself to integrate with the public and now I’m observing at a distance the world that’s plummeted into mass insanity. It’s hard to understand other humans need to socialize with a large majority of people, I have my children, my husband, and my thoughts to keep me company that’s enough. For others it appears its driven them into a fight or flight survival? I don’t know really. Spitting on cashiers, because someone works in the retail or service industry that doesn’t make them beneath another. Nor being a doctor or nurse means a person has to neglect their safety to put someone else first. Humans aren’t expendable as businesses perceive. Each person matters. Although who really benefits from all this crazy? CEO’s of companies, managers, owners? At the end I feel like the whole world lives on a system of borrowed money, none of it makes sense. And who really benefits?

Throughout all this chaos, if you’ve refused to wear a mask your labeled selfish, if you choose to wear one your labeled a puppeteers bitch. And I’m like uhh I’ll just put a mask on. What puppeteer, were living in a world where were at a loss on how to navigate a virus. Why waste energy and resources determining who’s at fault? Instead accept that changes had to be made to keep the virus contained.  Of course it’s shitty, and it’s crazy. It happened, you can call it a hoax, that wont change the reality. It happened. It’s happening.

In the midst of it all discrepancies have been brought up, as if a virus is about picking sides. It’s not it’s a virus. It flourishes when able, and it doesn’t have feelings or emotions. Unlike people. My thoughts have been in overdrive recently trying to make sense of it all. Of where the world is headed. Of what’s next? Of what this means for my daughter with school next year. I have no idea. As of now I’m just lost of where I should stand? What’s most important?  I’m often several steps behind everyone else so this is what I got as of now…

Polluted by all humans
It doesn’t matter your skin color
because unfortunately for you your human
and that means your burdened, fickle with thought,
feelings, emotions, and ultimately the sense
that in the grand scheme of life you’re a speck of dust
floating within a polluted world
polluted by all humans
me
you
him
her
us
they
them
any way you put it, everybody
yes I meant all of us
a collective whole of people
no you don’t get to be free of this
everybody everyone all of us
are ultimately humans
accept it.

Were all the same
Eventually we will all die
and when we each do
the bones are all that doesn’t corrode
exposing the truth were all the same.

Education and respect
Ignorance is a temporary state
one in which we can all relate
through education and respect
we will no longer have to live within our ancestors regret.

Just as at fault
I buy I consume
as others dive within their tombs
just as at fault
bring all this to a halt.
Stop
or we will drop
collapse in the economy
a war of sorts, we’ve all committed a felony
worried about consumption
ignoring every caption
terminology evolving
the essentials are dying
and we’ve all played a part
from the very start.

A life for a life
Sense of self
the idea placed upon a shelf
the cans tower high
as the assholes drift by
stocking up on the goods
living within their own hoards.
Back to their solitude
creating feuds
the idea misunderstood
what is the common good?
A life for a life
a smile, a struggle, a strife
they need to feed
and your hands are meant to bleed
To be beneath
all that chatter
what’s the answer
it’s about disinfection
just take an injection
and sacrifice
all the essentials at what price?

A jailer speaking to their heart.

He watched her;
head tilted couch potato.
He knew
her body was fighting the battle internally.
The score;
1 for her 3 for the disease
Syringe in his hands
lover within his heart
disease motivating his hands
A shot her eyes closed
she drifted within peace.

The poem above I wrote for a college writting class, pertaining to assisted suicide. It had me lost within a daze for a while trying to convey the point of view of a middle aged man taking the life of his lover. Portraying him in a way in which the world wouldn’t perceive him a monster. Origionally it was a gun in his hand, upon reconsideration I felt a syringe was more appropriate in a mercy killing. Back then it was a relevant subject back during the days of the Doctor Jack Kevorkian debate.

Any ways the story as many, I felt fell short of my expectations. Left to rot away within a usb drive somewhere in my home. Through the many redundant played out words, I had at some point written a poem that conveyed what a man that loss his wife would feel. Heavily weighted with the burden of setting her free from the pain she was trapped within. Left with loneliness, his life partner was gone.

“I can feel you within my chest;
anxious and at a loss,
heavily weighted,
disoriented,
and awaiting human touch.”
-said the jailer to it’s prisoner.

Maybe someday I’ll feel the impulse to try again and give the man a voice until then his words will stay rotting on a usb drive. As for now the abstract hand and heart can be found for sale on the items above and more here. If your interested in checking out other designs check out TerriblyTina at Redbubble.

Space Creature

I don’t tend to have deep emotional meanings behind my creature art, most of it is created when I get a moment to myself in which I’m able to take pencil to paper. The rest just happens, I don’t think much about it till I finish and my brain tries to determine a way to make sense of it all. I add eyes, upload it into my computer and play around with it, adding definitive lines wherever I feel is needed at the time. It’s really a way to escape the constant thought and allow my mind to rest till finished as my brain tries to rationalize the design.

I’ve recently gone through piles of drawings wasting away, and decided it was time to do something with them. I joined Redbubble and began to share my art, I stopped living within fear by accepting the fact I may not succeed, and that’s ok. Art is an opinion it’s not a concrete aspect.

Here is a little creature I’ve recently uploaded on Redbubble

Space Creature.

You can find the print on items shown above among several others. If interested here’s the link Space Creature. If interested in checking out other desgins created by me here’s that direct link Terribly Tina at Redbubble.


All we need is love and maybe all we need is hate…

All we need is love
and maybe all we need is hate
and maybe all we need is nothing
and maybe we’re just simply here
and there’s no such thing as fate
and maybe there are no answers at all
or maybe the answers are quite simple
to simple maybe
that logical reasoning
distorts them into a higher thought
simply were just here
no money, no power will ever fill the void
acceptance that death is always the end
to every beginning
and we’re just here
craving more
yearning for some religious epiphany
when really the only god is the planet we’ve destroyed
for there is no higher power
but power itself.

Knowledge is within us
taking pliers to our life force
pulling out the soul
what is a soul but an essence
besides bullshit.

All the answers are within us
it takes the correct set of tools
and a team built of respect
and simple interest
in order to find it
because no one person can save the worlds crisis.

Ever wonder why the most intelligent of us all
is incapable of simple human interaction
because no one soul is meant to solve a crisis
it takes a team.

You don’t have to be a direct part of a group
in order to be a part of the change
that makes the difference.

It starts with the most simplest actions
and in time
we can right all our wrongs
at least I hope.

You could fixate on the gloom…

You could fixate on the gloom
the hate, the darkness, the pain
all day long,
or you could choose to live.

My husband taught me to live
To stay out of the prison created by myself
staring at the empty walls
as if the words would evolve on their own.

The world will
but I never would have
lost in the corridors of my brain
lost in the memories that never happened
pain that overcame me
that was never my own.

All the people in my head fighting their way out
they would have won
if it wasn’t for him.

.

I am simply a human being.

With that title comes the confliction of thought. Life is a complexity I often get lost in, trying to understand how I feel, why I feel that way? And on certain days, trying to understand how I stopped feeling ways I once did. And other days fearful I’ll become the people that frustrate me the most.

I spent over a decade filling up notebooks, and computer memory writing out words that I felt were shit. I’ve never felt any of it was worthy enough to finish, let alone share. All the lines played out, simply it was all shit.

I’ve always been fearful of where it would all lead, the more I write the further I go. Unlocking the corridors of my brain, horrific imagery in every turn. Afraid of losing my sense of reality as I navigate the insanity within my own mind. I’ve always joked with my husband if I ever fully thrown myself within a story he’d have to pick me up within a month from the asylum. Recently I’ve asked myself isn’t that better than the alternative? Never finishing a single fucking thing.

Over the past few months I’ve been allowing myself to create, anything at all. No longer am I hiding out of fear of everything being shit. I’m just embracing the creative process. As the words flow out and twisted imagery fills the pages from somewhere that isn’t myself, for I’m not an adult overcoming terrible conditions. My childhood wasn’t dark and disturbing, I didn’t grow up in a broken home. A speech impediment kept me quiet, embarrassed, and ashamed to speak in public. I’m thankful because of that I built a connection with my imagination. An imagination of dark sorts that sometimes can be quite terrifying.

The whole point of this blog is to share what I’m working on, consisting of my art, writing, and poetry. The poetry will either convey an emotion I’m feeling at the time or reflect upon a character I’m in the middle of understanding.

I’m sharing at the risk of making little to no sense to others. I’ve realized most of what makes sense to me rarely makes sense to other people often I’m left unsure of what to say next in conversation. Which is the reason I’ve spent most my life sheltering away from other human beings. Which places me in a subcategory isolated from the majority of the worlds population. An odd hermit, asocial type, not to be mistaken for anti-social I’m not a psychopath causing harm to others I simply prefer a small social circle. Honestly I’ve come to accept that I’m a temperamental nut case over the years and now I embrace it as something to be proud of. Rather than ashamed of.

Poetry, stories, art is all up to the viewers interpretation. Although I may have an opinion and an emotion I may have set out to provoke within an audience, they’ll interpret how they see fit. I’ve accepted that’s ok, people may take something I write and view it in a way in which I never intended. I use to feel a story could change the world if I wrote the right one, if I found the right words, and then I accepted the reality. People will interpret a story in the way in which their mind perceives. And I’ll never find the perfect words, for the perfect characters, because human beings rarely say the right things, why should I hold my characters to such high standards.

I’m sharing myself at the risk of total insanity
and the lack of security
confining myself within solitude
all while embracing the crude.

You don’t have to be out there
to know the world isn’t fair
and to connect
isn’t it quite complex
all of this
all of us.

I simply live
I have nothing left to forgive
I’ve been quietly observing
over heated and hovering
above myself
leaving my heart on the lowest shelf
as it’s shredded by the carnivores
if only I myself was a herbivore 

Lost amongst the words of our leader
nothing but a creeper
idiotism
is our new nationalism
injections
are simple disinfections
Need I say more?