My theory on life is simply that it’s a randomized series of events set in motion by every action of every person that’s ever existed. My mind trained by the art of sponge painting is set up to make a connection between everything even the most simplest of things. Short back story my father when I was growing up had an obsession with sponge painting ceilings and every ceiling in my parents home were covered in a sponge paint design for decades. I’d spend hours staring at the ceiling staring at faces and monsters for hours, always loosing track of what I saw minutes prior as if the paint literally changed shape before my eyes.
Getting back to the smiley face made out of cat food. A few days ago I lost power, my kids were still asleep and I was left with my own thoughts. I swept my kitchen floor onto the carpet and by some sort of chance I swept the pile of cat food into a perfect smile. My mind being eccentric and always craving more answers to questions that are better off left unanswered started thinking. For a moment feeling as if a smiley face could turn an other wise shit situation into something better. Last week I had already thrown out all the contents in my freezer and fridge due to a several day power outage, so I kept thinking damn that sucks.
Quickly my thoughts negated from one path and barreled towards the next. With the state of society sometimes I lose myself within thought. I try not to think to much what it’s like to be other people. Someone that would spit on a grocery clerk just because, or a person that would beat the shit out another because of the color of their skin. Sometimes I just sit back and think how the hell is anyone still racist? I’m at a loss trying to understand the human race. It’s disturbing to know these characters playing out on the television are very much real now.
Past the craziness of the world my anxiety hits all time high levels whenever I think deeper into the concept of life. Of death. The idea that my mind will just shut off there’s nothing else but darkness, and I’ll never even know because I’ll be dead. It really trips my mind out. The fear inside me to admit that I don’t believe in anything besides people, besides myself, my family. It’s almost as if I’m accepting failure for so many people are caught up in the construct of GOD that by admitting I believe in people and nothing more I may lose any potential interest people have in my art or writing.
I believe in a series of events set in motion by strangers crossing paths with strangers. If I pull out quicker than I should have off a street and pissed the person off behind me, I could have set up an entire series of events that led to the demise of an individual I’ve never known. For humans are temperamental creatures wearing their misfortunes and stresses upon their shoulders and patience is worn the thinnest when behind a wheel. Therefore maybe they speed up at a yellow light cutting off someone else then that person speeds up and I don’t know rear ends a car with a child in the back seat. I’m sure that sounds like a far reach but that’s the kind of shit my mind thinks about constantly.
I don’t believe there is a greater design. Now I’m not telling anyone they’re wrong if they do because I have no more proof then anyone else. It’s always been hard for me though because I always need more. More answers than have faith. What made the higher power? if a higher power made us, what made that higher power? Now I’m just left with an even bigger question. Anyways that’s the kind of things I think about on a daily basis.